Blue Twilight

As a teenager my mother would drive me very early in the morning to practice before I could drive.  Lately I’ve been taking my son to practice around the same time in the morning.  It gets me thinking…

I  don’t get upset by taking him so early because Mary used to take me to swim practice that early. We lived so much further away too.  We had to leave so much earlier.  But what I can remember about those mornings is she never complained.  Never once can I remember her complained about taking me.

I cannot imagine that she enjoyed it but I don’t even remember her complaining about it.

I was thinking this morning on my drive back to town I wonder what she used to think about on her way back home along the canyon road.  I wondered what she was thinking about driving back in her blue twilight.

I know that I think about my day, my dreams, my goals, my fears, I think about my day and what I need to.    I think about the kids, my husband, my dad my family.  I look across the blue twilight and wonder about her thoughts.

I hate that I never asked what she thought about.  I m upset that only now, doing that drive that I ever even thought of it.  Only now while being in her shoes, taking the time from my morning for my son to succeed.

I could imagine she would say something like — well the voice escapes me now.  I know she did it out of love.  I cannot imagine that she liked to do it, it was so damn early, driving through the Canyon on that long winding road twisting through the hills.  She wanted me to succeed and be in that pool.

Now I get to ponder and sit on my thoughts while I drive the through the blue twilight of wonder.  I can imagine maybe that she enjoyed the time alone in the car every morning, watching the light change the perception of the land.  Now the sky becomes the same colors as when the sun sets at night.

But there is a magic when the sun rises- the light in morning is new, its fresh, its bright.

Maybe she pondered the light and maybe she thanked God for all those beautiful mornings.

Maybe she thanked God for giving her that light to study so that her paintings could be that much better.

Maybe it was in that Blue Twilight of morning she was at peace, even for a moment.