Could it be already?

Six months ago today my world changed.  Mary Died.  She died from a Aortic Aneurysm.  I just found out that many people believed that she died of Cancer.  I found that one hard to believe,  but then I realized that all her behavior would lead anyone to believe that.  She closed her self off from everyone dropped a ton of weight and stopped being social all together.  I am sure that store clerks had more interaction with her because all she seemed  to do in her last year on earth was to shop.  But could it be already that six months has passed?

In six months life has been the same but different.  My dad seems to be getting along alright.  He is being a total rock star and short of doing yoga is physically in the best shape of his life.  Mean while I have  donuts for breakfast and I can barley keep up with my trainer.  Anyway I digress.

My children are happy, they seemingly drive me crazy but what is love for???? It drives you crazy.  I could say I am happy and life is the bomb, but its not all explosions of colors or the rainbow I would love, I am having to put up with a whole lot of rain in order to get it…and literally we have had a lot of rain so far this month.

I think my happy pills are wearing off or not strong enough because all the things I want to do never seem to get done.  Not even one task can be accomplished as of late.  Tried so very hard to get out of town and go see my best friend to get a little R &R but that was short lived too.

I guess trying to fight for joy is becoming harder everyday.  I don’t understand it.  I am making the choices. Doing what is right, praying, living.  But the daily grind is bottomless.  Reading this book and that book seems to be useless and maybe filling my head with more junk concidering I cannot sort out the junk that’s already in it.  I look at the junk in my house and my garage and in my kids room and there it is staring me in the face as if taunting me.  The dumpster urge is still there.  Throw it all out, everything.

So what does this post have to with Mary??? everything I guess.  I cannot talk to her about any of it.  I cannot call her and ask advice on what to do about shaving my daughters arm pits, or what do do about my older skin, and should I wax my face or shave it?  Or why does going to Home Depot makes me cry when I go down the lighting aisle? Why is my period lasting more than five days?  Or when I see thistle in a shop and its not antique and I wanted to buy it for her and surprise her with it.  I cannot call her and tell her dad is acting like a teenager and help me with him!  Why now, he has decided that being older is not as cool as being younger.

I think the biggest thing is I cannot call and ask her to take the kids or her call me and offer.  Or tell her how mad I am about stupid things the men in my life do.  I cannot tell her all the special things that the baby is doing and how wicked smart he is and how I am still holding my breath with him as he makes my hair turn grey because I don’t feel ready to have a baby this smart.  How I get disappointed in my kids over the little things and she would remind me that they are kids.   Then I would get mad at her because I was looking for her to agree with me and she didn’t.  I cannot tell her how I worry if I am doing something right in regards to the kids or my husband.  I genuinely worry about all of it.

So could it be already? Its been this long, this short, this day?  Six months ago it all changed.