Mother’s Day Melt Down

I sit down after a long day at the table with my kiddos for a Cracker Barrel treat. We hiked a gorge earlier that day so some sit down time at one of Mary’s Favorite places seemed like a good Idea in tribute for Mother’s Day. After some debacle on seating 5 plus a baby equaled 3 regular chairs a high chair and Base for the car-seat, we continued to wait until they cleaned up a table that could hold all six of us.

I get seated after getting everyone else settled and start to feed the baby because he is yelling at me to feed him, mean while he just finished an 8 ounce bottle, and was being picky about the fruit selection I had offered. The waitress came over and we took drink orders and I look up at her and say “Coffee, hot please with cream and sugar.” She smiled and took the rest of the drink orders. Meanwhile the other three are keeping themselves occupied playing games and deciding on their meal of choice when I look at my youngest daughter who is 5. Her head is down and it seems as if the world was crashing in on her. I asked her if she was alright and she wouldn’t answer me. I had to throw in the bargaining chip which was “no toy if you don’t spill your guts to me right now” in the happiest voice I could muster all the while the baby is still squawking at the top of his lungs for me.  All of the sudden huge tears poured from her eyes and she all she could say was, “ I miss Grandma.” All of the sudden the waterfall of tears was unstoppable from my own eyes. My own emotions were in check all day…not my favorite day for so many other reasons, but her pain and missing grandma, did me right in.

In the middle of Cracker Barrel, I scoop her up, and hug her while she sobbed, I sobbed along with her, the boys on the other side of the table asking if we are alright and one look they knew. My eldest daughter looked over with sorrowful eyes and saw that the baby was screaming at me (not giving him the attention anymore) she got up and came over and resumed feeding him and cooing him. I sat and looked at the table and the place and all the memories of every time we ate there, that place is only connected to me through her. We loved to shop there and have biscuits and gravy, well she did. I liked the biscuits with apple butter and jam. But the last time we ate in a Cracker Barrel with her was last summer and it had been the last time we had all eaten there together. Almost a year.

I look down at the hot coffee that has now gone cold, the half eaten baby food, and my daughters sprite, and it makes me sad, the emotion I was trying to escape all day, there it was, in my face. I had to come to grips with this reality. I avoided Facebook, Instagram, texts, and voicemail’s till later in the day because I could not accept that none of those messages would be from her. She always in the last 8 years has called me first. She always had a card ready for me, she always told me what an amazing mother I was. She loved that I had this crazy bunch of kids, a wild husband and would have loved that I took all them to a hike a gorge and see waterfalls, she would have thought that amazing and there would be no way she could have done that with all those kids.

After a good cry  there in the busy restaurant surrounded my children, my mothers day was not about gifts, breakfast, and attention, it was about love. The love she gave, the love I give and the all the love I can give and receive from all those involved in my life. I’ve said this before I have lots of woman in my life that contributes to being a mother figure for me and for my children even my own mother who is on the west coast does all that she can. It does take a village.

We both wiped the tears, and the universe seemed to come back to us, the hustle and bustle loud again and she and I in our moment, just as it should be, was a true mothers day filled with love.