We just have to believe that the “universe is unfolding as it should.”

Back in my twenties I was working in a family restaurant and waiting on couple young gentleman when they asked if they could read my palm.  Since I didn’t have to pay for the service I gave my okay.  When they finished they were starry eyed.  They explained how the lines worked and what one palm would reveal versus the other.  They pointed out some self truths that I was already aware of like my struggle between the religious obligation and my spiritual obligations.  But the most fascinating thing that my hand revealed was that I would have a child, a very special child i would give birth to at the age of 35.  Now to give you some perspective that was roughly 13 years ago( children were not on my radar).  But what struck me the most is what they said, ” this child is going to serve a purpose in your life and be the most special child.

The winter time blues have a funny way of making you think about your life making you stop and think about what is important.  After Mary died it has been a roller coaster of emotions that seem to go in cycles.  I imagine my life is the earth and my emotions are the winds and they dictate all of my emotions in storm form, some stuff is seasonal, it goes with the season, then some of it comes out of nowhere like a blizzard or twister.

That’s the stuff that gets me.  That’s the stuff that turns left when I anticipated right.  I have had to learn how to be a stronger person without my person with whom I talked to about everything in my life.  I have had to go on in this world with the currents and temperature fluctuations without her here.  Its like reinventing yourself at every turn, at every wind storm, at every rain fall, every snow storm, every hard freeze, every hard thaw and new spring blooms.  As my tears have fallen less,  my perspective on life has  grown deeper.  As I dig through her collections of treasures that meant something to her they really don’t mean anything to me but somehow there is a desire to hang on too it.  A desire to touch the hand writing or read the letters, or laugh out loud at funny things.  Sometimes its like those are the last things I have left in this world to talk too and only because they belonged to her.

I find that in times under pressure, the sadness and anger are stronger than ever, and when there is less pressure in my atmosphere I am lighter, airy and more forgiving.  I find that at every new sunrise I am in for a long day to look forward too and then at sunset I wonder about day I left behind.  I am sad most days but have had the courage to accept it and keep flowing to the seas.  Keep moving forward.  She would not want the sadness to keep me from following my dreams.  She would not want the sadness that she held on too to follow me every where I went.

Earlier I told you story to start this blog, Why did I tell this story you ask, well as some of you may know that in the last 10 years I have been Married, inherited two children from my husbands first marriage and then we had two of our own five years before I was 35.  In the fall when I was 34 I had gotten pregnant and I want you to know it sure was surprising .  I was done, on my way to raising our 4 children.  Not a 5th!!!!

God had a different plan, my palm became a prophecy. I was scared.  Some divine force was preparing me for something I had no idea was coming.  I can remember confiding in Mary that I was scared that I would lose all my other family in some accident and this baby and I would be it.  I thought the worst scenarios because of what was seen in my palm. I was actually  going to have a baby  at 35 and my palm reading was coming true.  I was a wreck for months.  At my baby shower I had everyone write something about me to my baby so for whatever reason something happened to me he would know me.  I told Mary all of these things and she never let me get to wrapped up in them for very long.  She said, “what will be, will be.”

When I gave birth to my new son, I was thirty five and not dead.  My family not dead, and the worst was over….I thought for sure I was in the clear.  I literally stopped thinking about the palm reading and went on with it.  My day to day.  My little tribe of five.  Mary even went on a road trip with us and I was so mad at her the whole time.  She was not well.  She was dying then.  I was so so mad at her.  I was mad at everyone (turns out Postpartum takes many forms).  Anyway looking back, we had some really great times, great laughs and all the kids got spend time with her doing the games she liked to play and being on the road with all of us.  I am glad she came.   I am not mad about that anymore.

On Oct. 10th she passed away.  She had had an Aortic aneurysm that started leaking and with in 24 hours it fully ruptured.  There was no coming back.  They did everything they could but her little weak, sick body could not recover.  On my drive back from the hospital in my silence I thought about the night ten years before… The baby that was going to be special, going to serve a purpose in my life, came to pass. My little man keeps me laughing when I cry, he keeps me cussing when he is into everything and he gives me the biggest best hugs a mama could have and he calls me me mama, wants his mama and is the biggest mama’s boy ever!  Sometimes life gives you the things you never saw coming, or doubted, because he needs you to be strong, courageous, and to end chapters in your life so that you can move on to the next chapter.

Every day I tell that little baby how special he is.  Because he is special and God knew that to overcome my sadness one day at a time, I would always have the light to move forward.  I would always have this little mischievous child that makes me laugh.  He makes my world go around.  He makes the storms pass,  keeps the wind blowing, and the currents flowing as they should.  We just have to believe that the “universe is unfolding as it should.”