I don’t know what the hell happened but I woke up today mad as fire.  I cannot even remember dreaming about anything.   WTF?  I was angry.  Angry that I had to get up??? Angry at life??? Did I take my meds last night??? Yes.  But Angry was I.

I woke up to a dog in my face, (okay with that, that doesn’t happen a lot) but then the baby starts to scream at me.  Demanding a bottle as usual.  I am trying to tell him it is going to be okay but then he just gets louder I turn to look at my husband and he is asleep.  I still cannot figure that out, how he seems to sleep when the baby is screaming.  Sometimes I don’t hear him and my husband wakes up;  still I wonder how do they not hear the baby most times?  They other thought in all this early morning chaos developing is how come they don’t hear my alarm but not thier own?

I get up. Grab the baby. Find the bottle. lost the damn Binky again.  I hate that thing.  I spend more nights trying to find that damn thing than actually sleeping.  Any way as soon as I stand he smiles (momentary happiness on both are parts).  I scoop him up and go to the kitchen. I do not even know if I said good morning to the kids.  My wake up was so foggy.  All I know I was pissed.  Sponge Bob was on, my daughters alarm clock is blaring country music (not my cup of tea these days) and she is still sleeping.  She must take after her dad (doesn’t hear her own alarm). I get the stuff to make a bottle and little man is finally not crying. He then starts to talk.  From talking to me starts yelling again as soon as he sees the warm milk come out of the microwave as if I need to move faster!  Yes I have fallen to the microwave to heat the damn milk up… get over it now.   Get him back in to the bed with the bottle so that I can move on to the kids that need to get on bus in 25 minutes.

I walk right into the crib trying to get into the bath room (we have to push it out of the way at night because if I keep it where it is the baby has discovered the joys of light switches and turns them on and off in the middle of the night).  I push that shit out of the way and make it to the closet.  OMG.  The damn closet is a mess (its not a surprise but some how it fuels my anger).  My pile, the kids pile with my clothes too.  I grab pants, a shirt and socks.  No underwear!    I take my daugher her clothes with a miracle matching pair of socks and head to the living room.  Okay she is eating,  My son  is eating and baby temporarily happy. Check.   Underwear. Not Check.   Laundry room here I come.

Are you F**KING KIDDING ME!!!!! The dog just ate a second pair of underwear out of the dirty laundry basket for a second day in a row.  My daughters no less!!!! No wonder I cannot find any underwear.  The damn dog eats it!  I shuffle through the dryer and have no luck.  I go back to the closet and say a quiet “please God” prayer to help me find some underwear.  I open the drawer back up and there they are.  Say “thank you” prayer to God.  I needed those underwear.  Did I forget to mention I went through three laundry baskets full of clothes that have not made it to their destinations in three weeks?  Anyway yell at the kids that they have 10 minutes and socks and shoes and clothes are not on yet.  I go make the lunches and now that I think about it, I missed brushing my daughters hair.  I was about to then the Bus shows up at the driveway not even a drive by….missed that.  OMG i”m still mad.  I cannot seem to get my act together.

I grab the baby put him in the pack and play turn on Sesame’s Street.  And give him a toy car he shouldn’t have.  I walk to the fridge and open it up. pretty empty fridge. still frustrated that just two weeks ago we had to  unplugged it to thaw out ( another trial and tribulation not for today’s session).  I see the single solitary coca cola can in the fridge.  I cave.  Grab it, crack it open and gulp it down.  The sugary, carbonated joy goes down my throat.  I take a deep sigh and the tears roll down my face.  In this moment there is joy and a little guilty pleasure.  I have not had a coke for breakfast in years.  But damn that Coke was good.  Grab eggs, toast, and make breakfast for the little guy and I.

Somewhere in the middle of everything my husband did get up and saw that I was not a happy girl.  I told him I was angry and I have no idea where it came from and that I was raging.  He said to keep my head up and gave me a big hug.  I did feel better with the hug, but it didn’t change the fits of rage I was feeling all morning.  I think I did everything from count down from 5 and breath even cry.  But sometimes you just cave.  Surrender to the anger.

Good news is I sat down with my guilty pleasure, a coke my eggs and toast that the baby and I had to eat shortly after my husband left.   The baby was content to eat his toast and toss the eggs to the dogs.  I changed the channel and put on Kelly and Ryan.   Not a big fan of this show but some where between John Stamos pictures and a new talk show idea it made me laugh out loud.  Finally, a laugh came out loud. I think the baby even laughed.  I sat and drank my coke from the can and laughed at that them laughing.   The anger that had been with me all morning had subsided.  I looked around the house and felt the “to-do list” getting bigger, but it was okay.

I caved today to anger and that feeling.  I think its important to express when your upset even if you cannot pin point it.  And maybe that is just it…  You don’t have to have anything specific to set you off.  I guess its how you deal with the anger that matters.  I drank a coke and ate eggs and toast while watching five minutes of a funny show.  Sometimes it’s a pumpkin spice doughnut.  Sometimes it’s getting your nails done with a friend. Sometimes it’s your husband just giving you a hug. Giving you the love you needed. The kind of love that you need in your moments of rage.  Just take what you can get and cave . Anyway I digress.  To work I go.  Happy Thursday!