Tag: aftermath

Lesson number 4,851….

life is a numbers game and Mary’s lessons always came in the form of a number.

that many years ago…

I am this old now…

I used to have this many dishes…

I don’t have enough of that…

this is lesson 1, 238…

What time does this happen…

I need to put this on the Calendar…

How long to do you cook that for…

What is the measurement for the flower…

Its been about a month…

Seeming useless thoughts all rolled into one jumbled numbered mess.  This post today does not have any real meaning other than I have started using more numbers lately to get things done thanks to Mel Robbins ” 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, … and Mary.  The numbers game has been effective in making myself and the kids do things around the house I yell out “5,4,3,2,1!”  And I think my daughter said she was going to count down this morning before getting out of bed and when she did she was going to holler out “BLAST OFF” after she counted down.  But back to Mary, she used numbers in daily life.

Mary always would give me a lesson on life and she would number it.  It was never in order so I gather that life’s lessons were infinite.  So with my kids I pick a number and roll with it.  She did that… She rolled with it.

IT representing time.  In which Time is a number or serious of numbers to calculate time of day, year, season and what ever else you want to categorize it by.  Time is precious. Time is it.  I could go on.  But none the less,  whether you go for long periods of time or sprint to a finish.  Take five seconds and tell someone you love them. Take a minute, put your hair up, drink coffee and roll with the day.  Either way, take the time you need to get it done, teach the lesson, spend the money.  Take the numbers and make them count.

Lesson number 4,851….

 

The Women in our Lives

Two weeks ago was all about honoring the important women in our lives.  I think that we should be honoring them everyday.  I only have pictured two women that have influenced my life, but I can think of thousands through out my life that have impacted me on so many levels.

Since my blog is generally about Mary, and how to cope with life without her…I will speak to her truth.  The truth is, she never had to be a mother to me.  She was my stepmother.  She never had to show me how to brush my hair, put on makeup much less teach me anything.  We had no blood connection, no other connection other than she married my dad.

But she was a woman.  She was a woman who loved so fiercely and was so compassionate.  She knew how to be grateful, how to be graceful, but firm.  She knew her faith could make mountains.  She loved “you” no matter what.  She was always honest, and she did get hysterical when something didn’t sit well with her.  Yet no matter how mad she got, or how disappointed she may have been, she “loved.”

Every thing from washing dishes to folding sheets, everything had a lesson.  “Do everything with intention,” she would say.  She made everything look beautiful.  I always asked her where she learned it,  she would reply, “my mother.”

I’ve been blessed in my life with my birth mother, and I have been blessed with all the other women in my life that impacted me along the way. I can say that the females in my life whether friend or family or simply a customer in my store, have had an impact.

Over the weekend I got so sad and deeply grieved her.  I find that picking up the phone to call her, usually on weekends, doesn’t and can’t happen.  She always had time to talk with me.  Some days I have questions and she was my “go to.” She was my perspective.

But what I can say is this… That no matter the loss I have suffered, the love I got from her out weighs the suffering.  Her love has taught me to love, to be patient, and kind.  I try to always offer a compliment if I see something I really like on someone.  The other day I chased down a girl in Target to tell her ( I yelled it at her more or less) because I had to tell her I loved her hair… those are the little things Mary would do everyday to make someone feel good.

So when we honor women, we should honor what they taught us, good and bad.  I say this because we have all been in a situation with another woman that caused us problems, pain or doubt even so much as cost us friendships and relationships.  We all have something to gain by surrounding ourselves with passionate women who love deeply.  We all have something to gain by calling our mothers and those closest to us our hero’s.  We need to be in love with our selves as our mothers and those that have raised us see us.

We have the ability to give birth, so we naturally can give love.  We want to be loved and when we see that we are loved by those closest to us the suffering doesn’t seem so bad     (only if we choose to accept it).  I tend to cry washing dishes, that’s when my thoughts are my own and I think about Mary.  It happens more often than I want, but my little girl who is five always wonders in the kitchen at that point and doesn’t say anything, just wraps her little arms around me and gives me hugs.  She hates to see me cry, but I have to tell her its because I miss “grandma Mary.”  She understands somehow even at five and she looks up at me and says that she cries too.  She misses her too.

So I say cry when it comes, don’t fight it, let it happen and honor the women in your life everyday by teaching the lesson’s that they taught you.   Use the gifts of love, compassion, courage and your work ethic to make your point.  Honor thy self in ways that makes women proud of one another.  Take care of yourself, show respect for yourself so that we can show our self worth through action.  Be proud of yourselves and be proud of all the women all over the world because we can give life, give grace, be love.  We can be what we already are…beautiful women with beautiful gifts.

I will leave you with one of my favorite women quotes from one of my favorite movies… Its meant to be funny but in the spirit of women its more valuable then ever… Be that as it may…

“God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God Creates man. Man destroys God.  Man creates dinosaurs.” – Malcolm from Jurassic Park

“Dinosaurs eat man. Woman inherit the Earth.”  – Ellie from Jurassic Park

jurassicpark

Mints

This past weekend I attended a funeral of one of my fathers friend.  It was the first time I had been to a funeral since Mary passed away.  Before we arrived my brother and I stopped at a coffee shop where it hit me that I needed mints to keep in my pocket.  I don’t know why buying mints overwhelmed me, but it did.  I bought the mints and tucked them in my pocket.

When we were driving to the church I laughed to myself…I know why I bought them.  I bought them because Mary always had some mints or candy in her purse or pocket.  It reminded me that no matter where we were, she always had something for anyone to suck on.  She always felt it was important because you’ll never know when you will need it.

She felt that at any given moment your breath could be bad and if you are going to hug someone, talk to someone close up, you had better have good smelling breath.  Later in her life it was because her mouth dried out from medications she was on.  But also she was a smoker so she had to make sure her breath wasn’t bad.  But none the less I can remember feeling like I should try to carry mints where ever I go because I have suddenly found myself in situations that I need a little mint.  Being a coffee drinker has its down sides, and also I think others wish they carried mints too, not just to eat but to offer.

So while we were in the service, I thought of Mary…I pulled out the mints and offered just like she would have done.  My father, my brother and Aunt all accepted with out hesitation.  It was the first time I felt a little ping of joy, I was honoring something that she did religiously. She just knew that people needed mints!  I  looked up the towering church and thanked her for teaching me about Mints.  who knew how important this little life lesson would be…

Blue Twilight

As a teenager my mother would drive me very early in the morning to practice before I could drive.  Lately I’ve been taking my son to practice around the same time in the morning.  It gets me thinking…

I  don’t get upset by taking him so early because Mary used to take me to swim practice that early. We lived so much further away too.  We had to leave so much earlier.  But what I can remember about those mornings is she never complained.  Never once can I remember her complained about taking me.

I cannot imagine that she enjoyed it but I don’t even remember her complaining about it.

I was thinking this morning on my drive back to town I wonder what she used to think about on her way back home along the canyon road.  I wondered what she was thinking about driving back in her blue twilight.

I know that I think about my day, my dreams, my goals, my fears, I think about my day and what I need to.    I think about the kids, my husband, my dad my family.  I look across the blue twilight and wonder about her thoughts.

I hate that I never asked what she thought about.  I m upset that only now, doing that drive that I ever even thought of it.  Only now while being in her shoes, taking the time from my morning for my son to succeed.

I could imagine she would say something like — well the voice escapes me now.  I know she did it out of love.  I cannot imagine that she liked to do it, it was so damn early, driving through the Canyon on that long winding road twisting through the hills.  She wanted me to succeed and be in that pool.

Now I get to ponder and sit on my thoughts while I drive the through the blue twilight of wonder.  I can imagine maybe that she enjoyed the time alone in the car every morning, watching the light change the perception of the land.  Now the sky becomes the same colors as when the sun sets at night.

But there is a magic when the sun rises- the light in morning is new, its fresh, its bright.

Maybe she pondered the light and maybe she thanked God for all those beautiful mornings.

Maybe she thanked God for giving her that light to study so that her paintings could be that much better.

Maybe it was in that Blue Twilight of morning she was at peace, even for a moment.

 

Placement of Things

Its funny the placement of things…The last place where you put your earnings, the last book you were reading.  The every day things that seem so insignificant at the time are so important now.  The last piece of time, the last thoughts, the last reads, the last of a normal day.  The last placements of the tooth brush, brush, blush brush… the small stuff the placement of glasses on the night stand, the clean laundry in the baskets, the guilt of not getting it put away.  The disorganization of the papers, the books not on shelves, the pictures not in frames.  The seemingly impossible tasks that seem so easy to do but neglected because of more important tasks.

Laying in bed hearing the baby coo and giggle, the kiddos laughing and screaming and running through the house…the putter-patter of foot steps, doggy snores and cry’s… all everyday seemingly insignificant yet…Super profound.

The glitter on the table that will not go away.  the sock basket…I should just through them all away…all the placements of things everyday, the normal.

I miss her everyday.  I cannot talk to her and I think that bothers me most.  I wish I could see things the way she last laid them,  the way they all were.  I try to capture last images in my mind of her bedside, her sink, her her belongings, her kitchen sink.  Her books…

The sky is more colorful these days with her painting it everyday…but my light, my souls light, is dimmer without her here.  So those seemingly insignificant things are significant.  They tell the story of our lives in way that we don’t understand.  Those seemingly insignificant things are the things we need to hold on too the longest…